remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Randomize
