Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My hand turned me down
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
