Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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