After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
