Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
