Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
