Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
