final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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