My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
