we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
