The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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