why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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