It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
