just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
