I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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