I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
