Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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