I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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