I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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