I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
