I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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