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Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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