I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just high enough for therapy.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize