so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
