I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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