hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
