i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
