this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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