I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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