Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
