We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
