Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
