I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
