I can text with my tongue
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
