U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
