just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
