she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
