Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize