So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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