I don't remember. Are we still dating?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
