he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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