There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
