It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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