I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
