dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
