she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize