the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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