Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
