Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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