I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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