I can feel you judging me through the phone.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
