Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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