YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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