i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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