Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
