my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize