we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
