We're like a lot better than the average bears
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
